I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
