i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
