my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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