best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
