I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
