hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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