new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
