The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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