she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
