im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
