I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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