sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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