Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
