I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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