i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
