i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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