By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
