i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
