Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
