If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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