I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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