I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
