I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
