one two three fourrrrnication!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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