who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
