Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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