You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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