Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
