we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
