do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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