i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He did a backflip because drugs
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