I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
