I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
