I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
