i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
we made out on top of his cat.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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