last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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