mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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