If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
