What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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