Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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