I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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