Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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