The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
