I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
two words...techno handjob
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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