I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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