toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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