i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
