I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
This baby is an asshole
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
