It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
