My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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